00:00:03:07 - 00:00:16:23
Chris
Hello and welcome to the ending Buddy Burnout show. We are your host, Chris and Filly, co-founders of a multi winning functional medicine practice serving busy people with energy, mood and gut issues.
00:00:17:00 - 00:00:24:21
Filly
Well, business, addictive doing, people pleasing and perfectionism might be the norm. It's not normal and it's a major contributor to health issues.
00:00:25:00 - 00:00:38:04
Chris
Our goal with this show is to give you a holistic root root cause approach to healing your body so that you don't have to continue doctor or diet hopping or popping a gazillion supplements hoping something might stick.
00:00:38:05 - 00:00:46:07
Filly
So get ready to heal your body. Get your spark back deeply, connect with yourself, and step into the life of your dreams.
00:00:46:10 - 00:00:55:13
Chris
Let's dive in.
00:00:55:15 - 00:01:24:15
Chris
Hey guys, and welcome to this episode of the Anybody Burnout show. We have a interesting one today. We have a question from one of our listeners. And, it's really interesting topic, something that that I know this listener in particular has had a problem with and, personal experience, Chris has also had I have also had, this experience in the past as well.
00:01:24:17 - 00:01:28:21
Chris
And so we'd like to share our take on this,
00:01:28:23 - 00:01:30:22
Filly
Shall we, shall we share what the topic is?
00:01:30:22 - 00:01:31:10
Chris
Yeah, let's.
00:01:31:16 - 00:01:31:21
Filly
Let's.
00:01:31:21 - 00:01:34:09
Chris
Get into it. Yeah. Haven't introduced the topic.
00:01:34:10 - 00:01:57:08
Filly
Okay. So it's revenge bedtime procrastination, which is a real label. And we'll talk about what that actually means in true ending body burnout style. We're going to be digging into this phenomenon. I can't say that way very well phenomenon from a holistic metaphysical and physical stance. They're looking at the body and the mind and what's going on underneath the surface.
00:01:57:10 - 00:02:14:13
Filly
And of course, we'll also give you our view on the deepest root cause of why some people stay up late, even when they're exhausted. So this listener actually sent through a voicemail to ask the question, which I thought was really cool, actually,
00:02:14:15 - 00:02:15:13
Chris
We should do this all the time.
00:02:15:13 - 00:02:38:01
Filly
Yeah, totally. So she initially messaged, just like, I love your podcast. Can you do this? And I'm like, hey, I've got this really cool idea that what if it was kind of like a, a hotline? Oh, it's like a radio station where you phone in, you ask a question, maybe give it a little bit more information about how it's practical to you or applicable to you.
00:02:38:01 - 00:02:46:01
Filly
And then we answer, sorry. We're going to play the listeners question.
00:02:46:02 - 00:03:09:16
Listener
Hello Chris in Filly, I would love to hear your thoughts and advice on the subject of revenge bedtime procrastination. Why do we do this to ourselves? What's the root cause from a physical and metaphysical perspective? And please, how do we get ourselves out of this vicious cycle? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Thank you.
00:03:09:18 - 00:03:12:09
Chris
Awesome. Love it.
00:03:12:11 - 00:03:35:10
Filly
All right. Yeah, sorry, a little bit info, around this listener and how it shows up for her. And then we'll, we'll talk about it more generally and how it can show up in other patterns as well. So so for this list, not physically. She is tired all day dragging herself around, can barely concentrate on the things especially study.
00:03:35:10 - 00:03:58:12
Filly
Doesn't feel motivated. Has tried to use coffee, but it makes the sick so she doesn't have anything to help her cope. Occasionally has a nap and then when it's night time, her energy suddenly if he is in, she can start thinking straight and she feels motivated to actually do things. And but it's time to be going to bed.
00:03:58:14 - 00:04:15:13
Filly
So she gets stuck in this cycle of either, I can't fall asleep, or I choose to stay out so I can do the things that I want that I didn't have time to do during that day. And when I want to do something, I'll end up just waiting until it's Night-Time for me to wake up. And then the real work begins.
00:04:15:15 - 00:04:43:16
Filly
Now, this lovely lady also dug into, like, some potential metaphysical or some deeper underneath the surface things that might be going on. And I actually might read this. So she said, I've spent all day doing things I have to. And now and everyone is asleep. No, there's no expectation, no interruptions. Everything is quiet and calm, and I can hear myself think, I can just do what I want, be productive or not.
00:04:43:16 - 00:05:05:01
Filly
And I don't feel guilty about it because no one needs me. The guilt comes once I look at the time and know I'm going to pay for it the next day, and I say to myself, tomorrow night I'll be better. Yeah, that tomorrow not never comes. My dream is to flip the routine where that quiet me time when no one is around starts early in the morning when I wake up.
00:05:05:03 - 00:05:29:10
Filly
But I'm always so tired. And I can't think first thing when I wake up that I can't even think what to do next or what I need to do. I've tried so many things, even did a sleep course by doctor Mark Hyman. So I learned about circadian rhythms and morning and Night-Time routines, and I tried doing all the things I felt like the only way to have a good sleep started as soon as I woke up.
00:05:29:12 - 00:05:48:07
Filly
It must start as soon as I wake up. I'd be preparing to go to bed all day. It was exhausting. I felt so bad, burnt out, trying to fix my sleep. I couldn't stick to it and I felt miserable. I struggled to get dinner ready early, so then we'd eat later and that would make the whole routine late for sleep.
00:05:48:09 - 00:06:01:22
Filly
My family and not ours too. Not as bad as me. But sometimes on the days when I can go to sleep early, that's when someone needs something. I know these are all excuses.
00:06:02:00 - 00:06:27:13
Filly
And when my health was improving, my sleep naturally did too, but not consistent enough. When I explained a lot of this to my natural past, they tell me to have a magnesium bath and have some lavender essential oils. It was all very nice, but it still didn't help. My next solution is to work with you guys. Okay, so I'm pretty sure that if you're listening, you can relate to this in some way.
00:06:27:15 - 00:06:50:05
Filly
We also wanted to play a real. So if you're listening via audio, you hear this, you still pick up, what we're putting down. If you're watching this on YouTube, we're going to play that real on the screen as well. It's very funny. It kind of takes the Mickey out of bedtime revenge procrastination. I hope you enjoy it for yourself.
00:06:50:05 - 00:07:13:05
Reel Video
During the day. Try revenge bedtime procrastination. Now I get to delay sleep to regain the freedom that I lost during the day because of responsibilities. Some call it poor time management. I call it making time for myself. I'm really tired and should really go to bed. But if I sleep now, today will be over and the next day will start and I have to work again with RVP.
00:07:13:05 - 00:07:35:14
Reel Video
I get to indulge in the peacefulness of a late night when everyone else is asleep and nobody is expecting anything from me. If you get RVP a two night, you can also get doomscrolling the timer fatigue, unwanted thought. So existential crisis if you're lucky. Smashing a bag. The best part about it? It's 399. So what are you waiting for?
00:07:35:16 - 00:07:44:08
Reel Video
Ruin tomorrow before it even starts and get revenge. Bedtime procrastination a two night, dear.
00:07:44:11 - 00:08:07:03
Filly
Okay. Yeah, yeah. So what is it? What actually is revenge? Bedtime procrastination. So it is a psychological term. It's not just this dude. We will put a link in, the show notes. If you want to watch the real, you can and also say we're referencing him and not just calling him the dude. It isn't just.
00:08:07:03 - 00:08:37:21
Filly
Yeah, a funny thing. It is a psychological term that is used to describe the pattern of behaviour of when people delay going to bed, even though they know it's late and they're exhausted. And the word, the term revenge is really important in this description, because it comes play, because it's a way to reclaim control of the time that you might feel was stolen during the day by work or responsibilities or children or study or whatever.
00:08:37:21 - 00:09:02:16
Filly
Those obligations are the the to do list the things that you feel like you have to do. Okay. So some other, ways this could look revenge, bedtime procrastination. So it might be feeling resentful because you had no me time today. So you escape on Netflix or the Xbox or the Doom Scroll, maybe even a book, which is probably a more resourceful thing to do.
00:09:02:16 - 00:09:27:20
Filly
But I have spoken to clients who are like, I was reading until 3 a.m. in the morning. It's like, that's not healthy. Revenge. Bedtime procrastination doesn't always look like signing off into Never Neverland. It could also be like, oh my gosh, it's bedtime, but I've got more tasks to do around the home, or struggling to disconnect from work or tech, or feeling guilt and shame and frustration or agitation that you didn't get your to do list done.
00:09:27:20 - 00:09:52:09
Filly
It's never ending or ruminating on the past day problems and issues. So essentially feeling wired bit tired so it will show up in either two extremes. Either you clock out and you often it looks like going on a screen for many, many hours and then it's like, crap, I should go to bed. But it could also show up in the other way where actually your system just speeds up even more.
00:09:52:10 - 00:10:17:18
Filly
It's like, oh, I've had no time for me, but I can, I still have to do this and this and this and this and this and this and this and your whole nervous system get stuck in a state of fight or flight, which is essentially what's happening. So revenge, bedtime, procrastination from a physical point of view is your body's internal alarm system either speeding you up or maybe shutting you down to try and mask it deeper.
00:10:17:18 - 00:10:41:13
Filly
Fear of not being good enough. If I can do more and squeeze in a little extra, then I can put my head down and rest and feel like a good human being or I've done so much and my coffee's so full and I am exhausted. But, I'm so resentful and so I want to do something for me.
00:10:41:15 - 00:10:44:03
Chris
Chris Fili, you've.
00:10:44:03 - 00:10:51:17
Filly
Had your own experience of revenge that time. Procrastination. What does it look like for you?
00:10:51:19 - 00:11:21:00
Chris
Okay, so. Well, you can't change anything. Maybe you can, but you can't a fluke it if you're not aware it's just going to be either inconsistent or, unable to change. So when I notice I am awake, it is past normal bedtime. So so I now I know a normal bedtime for me is around 1030 to 1130.
00:11:21:00 - 00:11:52:22
Chris
It's somewhere in there. I know I can have a great night's sleep if I'm out. You know, like the the, sleep starts and the thinking stops. If that process starts in between 1030 to 1130, it's okay for me. So if I'm aware it's past 1130 or it's getting close to 1130 and I am on, like I'm switched on, I know that there's something off this.
00:11:52:22 - 00:12:10:17
Chris
There's something that's not working the way it could or should. And so for me, I like to think, oh, what's keeping me up at night? That's my first question that I ask myself. You know, I love metaphor. And I'm awake. So what's keeping me up? And I just think, what am I worried about? What am I concerned about?
00:12:10:17 - 00:12:41:00
Chris
What am I? And I'll go through the list. What am I angry about? What am I what's a real threat to me? What's what am I running away from? What am I trying to hide? Who am I trying to to fawn for or over or with? You know, I go through a list and I just try and get awareness of the things that are happening and and try and understand this, this situation a little bit more clearly from multiple angles.
00:12:41:02 - 00:13:03:21
Chris
And, and I know this might seem weird, but, but at that time of night, if, if something's keeping me up, I've got to I've got to balance the ledger somewhere. I've got to make up for something. I need to apologise to myself or to somebody else. May not actually in person. Maybe I do need to send a text that late at night, but something has to be addressed.
00:13:03:23 - 00:13:14:16
Chris
I can't just ignore it. I've noticed it. I've got to do something about it right then and there. Otherwise, that night's a write off for me.
00:13:14:18 - 00:13:49:22
Filly
I highly value sleep. Gee, I'm even thinking back to when I was a teenager at slumber parties. I would go to sleep before midnight. I think. Like my body just like loves it. It's so good. So I if these patterns of revenge bedtime procrastination shows up for me, it's usually really subtle in that I'm like, oh, I just stay up like an extra half an hour or an hour than usual, which will impact how I feel the next day.
00:13:49:22 - 00:14:15:19
Filly
Like if I go to bed and I'm asleep, like the lights are out by 10:15 at the very latest, I know that I'm going to get a great sleep. And then I wake up in the morning feeling good. And sometimes, definitely more so. In the past, I would use Netflix as a escapism where it would be the, I've done everything for everyone else and I didn't have time for me today.
00:14:15:19 - 00:14:37:11
Filly
And so therefore I want to watch a Netflix episode, and it might look like for me again for more a subtle point of view in the past, I would have been distorting it way too late. Or instead of one too. So there can be extremes of this bedtime, sleep procrastination. And it can be subtle, or it could be more extreme.
00:14:37:13 - 00:15:05:16
Filly
It's un resourceful if you feel like it's impacting you. So the impacts that it would have on health, I think it's pretty common sense. So pretty clear that lack of sleep is going to have a big impact. In my book, our book ending Body Burn Out, there's a whole chapter on sleep. And I do talk about the body physically repairs generally between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m. and then psychologically on minor repairs and unconsciously between 2 and 6 a.m..
00:15:05:18 - 00:15:34:04
Filly
So if you're digging into any of those time frames with your sleep, then it's really hard to heal and it breaks your body down, both mentally and physically. There's also so many studies around lack of sleep contributing to stress, anxiety, a weakened immune system, chronic conditions like heart disease, diabetes, weight gain. So yeah, I think it's I think we all know that sleep is very important, which is also why we're having this conversation.
00:15:34:04 - 00:15:37:12
Filly
And I feel like this is why the listeners sent through the question.
00:15:37:14 - 00:16:03:22
Chris
I almost always think that metaphysical is the reason for for for this happening. It could be a physical reaction to, to something being ingested or, or drunk. This listener doesn't drink coffee or caffeine or anything like that, but but, you know, if you are, then you might think, oh, this is just a physical thing, but then why are you drinking that?
00:16:03:22 - 00:16:06:04
Chris
Why is that a thing that you're drinking?
00:16:06:04 - 00:16:12:12
Filly
How about, you know, how about let's talk about the physical first. Yeah. And then and then we'll go back up to the metaphysical.
00:16:12:12 - 00:16:13:00
Chris
Yeah. Cool.
00:16:13:03 - 00:16:30:20
Filly
Because from a physical point of view, yeah. You might be having stimulants that just keep your cortisol up too high or your blood sugar levels imbalance. So whether it's alcohol, yeah. Alcohol before bed or, caffeine after 12 p.m., even food.
00:16:31:00 - 00:16:31:17
Chris
Are you going to rest?
00:16:31:19 - 00:17:04:03
Filly
Yeah. Like sugar. Definitely. So all those foods that are going to spike cortisol then suppresses melatonin. So there could definitely be physical reasons as to why, you're struggling to switch off, wine down, go to sleep. And then also I think about body systems as well. So key body systems that I be thinking about with slate would be if you're in adrenal fatigue, then you're in a chronic state of fight and flight, which makes it really difficult to wind down, to relax and to promote a good night's sleep.
00:17:04:05 - 00:17:32:05
Filly
So cortisol, which is your adrenal stress hormone, interacts with melatonin. And so when cortisol rises it's going to suppress melatonin. So someone's in adrenal fatigue. And that also can look like depleted cortisol too. Then it's going to cause melatonin to be wonky. And so from that physiological point of view you're actually not producing the hormone that helps you to calm down at night and to go to sleep.
00:17:32:07 - 00:17:58:09
Filly
Neurotransmitters are really important. So adrenaline's quite similar to cortisol. It can keep you wired. And in the fight flight mode, if that's acting dysfunctional. Serotonin is really important for a deep, restorative, calming sleep at night. So if that's really depleted that will impact your quality of sleep and ability to fall asleep. And then dopamine. So dopamine is a beautiful brain chemical.
00:17:58:09 - 00:18:34:11
Filly
It's motivation. It's joy, excitement. It's energy. But if your dopamine levels have depleted one symptom or sign that I saved that is addictions. So it can actually feed addictive type patterns of behaviour. Like looking for the next day for me and hit whether that's on Xbox or Netflix or the likes on social media. Also addictive doing is an addictive behaviour that can deplete dopamine even more and then show up or cause that cycle to be even more prevalent.
00:18:34:13 - 00:19:04:19
Filly
And then other two body systems I think about would be sex hormones. Women in particular. If you have imbalanced hormones, especially depleted progesterone, this can lead to difficulty sleeping, especially if you're in, you're still cycling. If your progesterone is low before your period, that's where women can start having difficulty sleeping and, perimenopausal type phases. If you're getting hot flushes, you feeling why bit tired.
00:19:04:21 - 00:19:35:08
Filly
Then that will impact sleep too. And detox pathways. This is probably not really specific to this sleep bedtime procrastinate because if someone has detox pathway imbalances, that's usually where someone actually falls asleep, okay? But they wake up at around 2 to 4 a.m. and that's when the detox pathways are trying to work their hardest. And if they're, if you leave a sluggish detox pathways are blocked up, then people can have disrupted sleep.
00:19:35:10 - 00:19:37:03
Filly
Anything else to add to physical?
00:19:37:08 - 00:20:17:04
Chris
Yeah. So and then there's comfort as well. Like physical comfort. Pain. Injury. The, the heaviness of having food in your stomach or liquid in your bladder. So, so this sort of stuff is, it's not super comfortable until, till you deal with it. So that can I know sometimes it's not the root cause, but but it's just another bit of friction that if you're not comfortable, if you haven't found that that routine where you stop eating at a certain time, you stop drinking, or you only drink a tiny little bit, or you go to the, you know, you get your rhythm.
00:20:17:10 - 00:20:35:03
Chris
If you haven't got that yet, it's worth working on it. Tracking it. Because I know sometimes it's just been as simple as. And I just need to pee. I just need to go for a wee wee do that, and then I'm so much more comfortable I can have a little wriggle. I go to sleep.
00:20:35:05 - 00:20:57:01
Filly
And sometimes it's an irritated bladder to where you have gone to the toilet, and then you jump back into bed and you're like, I'm still wired. What's going on? Oh, do I need to go to the toilet again? Like, sometimes it's actually that you bladder's not full, it's just that your body's inflamed and it's irritated. And then that can affect your ability to be able to afford to sleep easy.
00:20:57:03 - 00:21:18:16
Chris
And so I like what we do, which is why we do it. I like that. We're not saying it's not going to be just physical. It's not going to be just metaphysical. So tick all the boxes, just just the dress, all the things. Make sure your, you're accounting for the physical and then as we talk about.
00:21:18:21 - 00:21:27:00
Chris
Yeah, we're gonna talk about the metaphysical reasons why you might be, having this pattern, choosing to have this pattern.
00:21:27:02 - 00:22:03:03
Filly
Yeah. So metaphysical. Yeah. It's not one all the other, it's body and the mind. Yes. And we also believe that the metaphysical is the debris root cause of all dysfunction or behaviour as well as health issues. So on this surface, the way that I described the way this psychological term of revenge, bedtime procrastination, is that it's linked to that frustration, the resentment, of feeling like you were doing all the things for everyone else or taking all the boxes, all the to dos.
00:22:03:03 - 00:22:24:03
Filly
And now you're resentful because you feel like you lack control over your daily routines, and then you want to sabotage or procrastinate or revenge against that. And so you stay up at night trying to fill your cup up. So that's like the surface level reason why this phenomenon occurs.
00:22:24:05 - 00:22:44:15
Chris
Can I just touch on that real quick sometimes, all that surface level. Some of the reasons why we do that is because we have a part of us who cares or loves or wants to to to meet the needs of, of the people that we've been. Well, yeah. So for me.
00:22:44:17 - 00:22:50:02
Filly
It's the surface level. But yeah, it's like, why are you doing the behaviour. Yeah. So now we're getting down to.
00:22:50:04 - 00:22:51:01
Chris
The yeah.
00:22:51:06 - 00:22:51:19
Filly
The surface.
00:22:51:20 - 00:23:15:09
Chris
So it's like you know, I sometimes I, I think yeah I've been really stretched thin. I've been doing consults all day and I love what I do, I love coaching, I love working with the people that I work with. But I've still been giving my power away to to them, and to my schedule. You know, like, I have a choice.
00:23:15:09 - 00:23:39:10
Chris
I have a control. And so I have this a part of me wants freedom and and flexibility, but a part of me wants to connect with, with my clients. And sometimes it's that that conflict inside of me that's, that is showing up at 1:00 in the morning. And that needs to be addressed. Got to bring attention to it.
00:23:39:12 - 00:24:01:03
Filly
Yeah. So I so what's happening below the surface. Well let's kind of break it down in terms of patterns. It's like okay this is a behavioural pattern that's occurring is staying up late at night because you're frustrated. There's resentment. Finally you get you time and you choose to do what you want with that time. But it's not sleep.
00:24:01:05 - 00:24:31:02
Filly
So. So then is Christmas talking about okay, well there's some there's something going on during the daytime. Like it's not the solution isn't before bed. It's what else was happening during the day. And that's where you now spark process, which is part of our ending body pan out method. We always start looking at dysfunctional patterns of behaviour first, because that's going to give us a lot of information around what's happening in a deeper matter root cause level.
00:24:31:04 - 00:24:59:17
Filly
So with the examples that we've shared so far, there's it sounds like there's over achieving and rescuing and people pleasing patterns and doing everything for everyone else and putting yourself last in. There's probably perfectionism patterns showing up too, which can exacerbate needing to please other people or needing to do more, or in order to feel like you are more, or to get that validation from others.
00:24:59:19 - 00:25:13:14
Filly
So those patterns are going to be really important to identify and be honest about. If you want to solve this sleep, bedtime procrastination.
00:25:13:15 - 00:25:44:09
Filly
So for me, like, oh, I school, I say old Filly. It's actually I don't really think I revenge bedtime at all anymore. Sometimes I do watch Netflix and it's nice, but I compare that to when I was running these patterns every day all the time. A big one for me was overdoing. Like overdoing. I have to prove that I am enough by what I can do, and then I get frustrated or resentful or crabby by the end of the day.
00:25:44:09 - 00:26:10:11
Filly
And it's like, oh, I just go to bed, kids. And then I'd want to flake out in the bed watching Netflix. But because I want that energy of wanting to do that thing came from a place of force and fear and resentment and frustration. This is an example of sleep time or bedtime revenge procrastination, because it's like, I'm not doing it out of love.
00:26:10:11 - 00:26:24:22
Filly
I'm actually doing it out of resentment and like feeling like, well, this is one thing that I can control that I can do for myself. And then I was wired and wasn't even enjoying the things that I was doing before bed.
00:26:25:00 - 00:26:54:07
Filly
So then underneath the patterns, the next question arises why are you, why are you running the patterns? And there's always balance. Every behaviour has a belief underneath. So what patterns are you running and what beliefs? Showing up and causing these patterns. And we have like just some really, lovely coaching questions. So what must you believe about yourself in order to continue running these patterns?
00:26:54:09 - 00:27:17:14
Filly
So if we took the listeners example at the start where, or I might stuff this up a little bit, I'm just, off the top of my memory. It's like, yeah, doing, doing for a lot of people, there's lots of responsibilities. I'm doing for everyone else. It's like, okay, cool, that's not working for you, because now you're exhausted and you're not sleeping at night.
00:27:17:16 - 00:27:47:07
Filly
So what must you believe about yourself in order to continue behaving this way? And then that will usually come down to a and we all come down to an identity based belief. So on. I am something I'm not enough. I'm not lovable enough. So therefore I have to try really hard to help others so I can prove that I am lovable and that they will give me validation or I'm not capable enough.
00:27:47:07 - 00:28:03:03
Filly
And so therefore, I have to try really hard and work really hard and go 110% with everything that I try and do and put out, so that no one will find out just how wakening capable I am.
00:28:03:04 - 00:28:34:09
Filly
And then after that it's like, okay, well let's go back into the past. When did you create this belief? The importance of being able to identify that is because it'll just be a kid with misdirection or information around what happened, and then what evidence have you collected along the way to cement this belief. And so this is where bigger events along your timeline, you start finding more and more evidence that you're not good enough, you're not lovable enough, you're not, strong enough.
00:28:34:09 - 00:29:01:02
Filly
You're not worthy enough. And then your whole system is crazy. Creating neural pathways around these beliefs so that they feel real. But they're not. But they're driving and dictating your behaviour, your thought patterns, and literally the state and health of your body.
00:29:01:04 - 00:29:35:02
Chris
My favourite coaching frame is you have the life that you wanted. Including staying up to all hours like this is this is what you wanted, warts and all. This is the fine print of the contract you've signed with yourself. This is the, This is the fine print of the agreement that that you you created for yourself. And just like every phone you go into Telstra, you can renegotiate your contract.
00:29:35:02 - 00:29:59:17
Chris
You can get another contract, you agreement. And, and now that you've got now that you've got an awareness that that this isn't how you want it going forwards, brought in your agreement. Live your life a different way. Choose a different set of options. But you got you got yourself here in the first place. And I think so.
00:29:59:17 - 00:30:24:19
Chris
I think our listener who submitted a question doesn't think this, she doesn't think. Victor, I've got no choice in the matter. This is happening to me. I actually think her frame is a little bit different to that, but, but some people that we've talked to, it's. This is happening to me. This is this is rescue me with a pill, rescue me with a supplement, please.
00:30:24:19 - 00:30:26:18
Filly
Melatonin. Give sleepy heads.
00:30:26:18 - 00:30:51:19
Chris
Yeah. Can I have all those things? Yeah. I just need to add more magnesium into my magnesium bath and more lavender. You know, like it's it's it's sniffs of victimhood. Take some responsibility. You've got what you wanted. It's such a powerful frame because you can't change unless you take that responsibility. You just not going to see these things.
00:30:51:19 - 00:30:56:05
Chris
You're not gonna be aware of of options if you don't take that responsibility first.
00:30:56:05 - 00:31:18:08
Filly
Yeah, I feel people get stuck with this as well because one like, if we go back to the deeper roots around the beliefs and your whole system creating these beliefs. So one, it's ruling your behaviour, which can sound victim eating the way that I said it's ruling you, but you created it. So you're actually just in control of it, that you're holding onto it.
00:31:18:08 - 00:31:55:23
Filly
It's not holding onto you. But the interesting thing with this procrastination with sleep is that so you're hiding or running away or proving or defending from the greatest fear that you have about yourself during the daytime, which is not allowing you to create space and love for self. And it's also the staying up at night and then exhausted during the next day is a really clever strategy to keep you safe from your greatest fear as well, because then it's almost like, oh well, you know, if I'm not good enough, then what?
00:31:55:23 - 00:32:18:21
Filly
I'm going to try really hard to get external validation from other people because I'm not giving it to myself. So that's the the daytime patterns. And if I sabotage my slave thinking that I'm doing it because I love me, because then I get to have time for me, but then I'm not that I'm exhausted and I'm breaking down inside.
00:32:18:23 - 00:32:44:17
Filly
So therefore, if I get rejected by these people that I'm really trying to help, it won't hurt so much because it's just the sick me. It's also the body's cry out, or your unconscious mind crying out to just slow you down. It's like, all right, well, we're going to like, feed this cycle until you're so exhausted that you're going to that your your body's literally going to force you just to sleep to stop.
00:32:44:20 - 00:32:50:21
Filly
Something has to change.
00:32:50:23 - 00:33:14:07
Filly
So if we go in to breaking the cycle. So, you were giving some good tips before in terms of taking back your power. Like, even if you just start really, basically just start recognising and be truthful about staying up late and why you're staying up late. So ask yourself some questions. Why are you staying up late?
00:33:14:07 - 00:33:42:17
Filly
Are you feeling overwhelmed during the day? Do you lack time for yourself? Why are you staying up late? You have all the answers inside of you, so you know, you know. And then from there too, you have a choice. It's like, okay, I see it clearly. I kind of knew it already. You can either choose to continue the pattern and maybe find some happiness in that, or if it's like, I can not be happy any longer, then it's like, great, do something about it actually.
00:33:42:17 - 00:34:12:20
Filly
Like get to the deeper root and start supporting yourself at a deep level. We talked earlier, like when we were talking about the physical components that might be impacting this, creating a nice nightly routine can be a really kind of like quick wean place to start. So if you're not already winding down 1 to 2 hours before bed, switching off the computer, turning off the screens, reading, meditating, taking that bath with the magnesium and lavender.
00:34:12:22 - 00:34:26:01
Filly
If you're not already doing this or you haven't tried this already, this is just a really lifestyle practical thing that you could try that might get you over the line to start going to bed at night.
00:34:26:03 - 00:34:49:12
Chris
I would add to that some sort of a journaling thing. Journaling practice not to y yourself up. Some people find that this is a wire like it really amps them up. Feeling I have a marriage rule. We don't talk about business. We don't talk about, deep. Yeah, we don't have to do it right before bed because that just wires us up.
00:34:49:12 - 00:35:14:20
Chris
It's not the time and the place, that can wait till the next morning. But if we have to say sorry and we're up to the sorry stage, I think that works really good, because then we can't get a good night's sleep, so. So there's some nuances to our personal marriage rule, but, a journaling practice. Get some stuff out of your head and just reflect on what you're going to do tomorrow.
00:35:14:21 - 00:35:38:15
Chris
What's what's coming up, what's on the cards? What are you grateful for? The some of the wins that you've you've had in your, in your day? And what's on your mind? And also, just so you're not thinking about the stuff when you should be a slave, when you could be asleep. Right? When it's a better option to be a slate is think about this stuff.
00:35:38:15 - 00:36:02:07
Chris
Now. Get it out of your head. Get it onto paper where it belongs, so that tomorrow you can look at it. You can reread it. Thoughts that you just try. It's it's like a computer, an old computer. Our brain just needs to turn off and on and and so get the files out of the computer, get them out of your head onto some paper.
00:36:02:09 - 00:36:14:19
Chris
It's so therapeutic. And I, I highly recommend that when somebody has, cut full sleep, I'm thinking about stuff. Problem?
00:36:14:21 - 00:36:37:07
Filly
Restorative breathwork can be really helpful to be restorative. And I'm not talking about all the kind of, like, hyperventilating, breathing, but just, like, really deep breaths out longer than the breaths you take in, because that immediately switches you into the parasympathetic nervous system, which is what which is what we need to be in in order to fall asleep.
00:36:37:09 - 00:36:59:06
Filly
I mentioned, a book earlier, with the research and stuff around slate. There's also in that chapter more sleep hygiene tips that you can definitely read into. If you want to grab a copy of the book, I'll put the link in the show notes. Two more, two more tips, and they both interrelate with each other, I feel, especially with this specific topic.
00:36:59:08 - 00:37:39:16
Filly
So reclaiming time during the day. Okay. Yeah, nice to have a nice nightly routine, but if your day is full to the brim, then you'll probably be fighting against yourself when you start getting to the nightly routine. So how can you how can you create more me time? How can you schedule more short breaks throughout the day, whether it's breaking from work, or from parenting, or from study or whatever it is that is taking up a lot of your time from helping other people, even if it's just ten minutes, like literally ten minutes of doing something that you love that can help you feel more balanced.
00:37:39:18 - 00:38:08:15
Filly
Experiment with that. When I started, looking at my sleep patterns and really pinpointing this like, oh, it's not my sleep, it's what's happening in the day, as little as ten minutes to stop and lie in the sun, or go for a walk on the beach, or to do it more of like a somatic type practice, or just have a conversation, like a real conversation with myself.
00:38:08:17 - 00:38:41:13
Filly
Far out that start of making so much difference. So much difference in ten minutes isn't a long time. We had, a guest on our podcast and also inside our program, Gemma Hanley, who is just epic. It boundaries, creating boundaries, keeping them, creating really lovely relationship with self and others. And she shared three questions. So when you wake up during the day, especially if you're in this revenge bedtime procrastination cycle, ask yourself what state am I in?
00:38:41:15 - 00:39:08:13
Filly
What state would I like to feel or be in instead? And how can I give that to myself in the next 24 hours? Even if it's like a micro thing? Or maybe it has to be a big thing, whatever it is. But how can you give that to yourself in the next 24 hours? Such a beautiful, beautiful three questions that can not only solve and help support the sleep side of things, but it will help in any type of feeling.
00:39:08:15 - 00:39:32:16
Chris
I have one additional one to what? What Gemma just said that I actually love those questions so much. And this one, it's not really a question. It's a it's just do the opposite. So if I've been sitting down for a long period of time, say, doing calls or coaching, which I love, then then doing the opposite, what does that look like?
00:39:32:16 - 00:39:56:14
Chris
So if I'm sitting down, well, I'm going to lay down, if I've been still well, I'm going to move. If I've been moving or I'm going to be still if I've been, inside, I'm going outside. If there's been a fan, then I'm going into the breeze. If there's been an artificial ring light in front of me, which there is right now in our studio, I'm going to get some sunshine shine.
00:39:56:16 - 00:40:18:01
Chris
If I've been rigged up, I'm going to get cold. If I've been hot. I'm sorry. If I'm being cold, then I'm going to get hot. So I find flipping it works really well. As well, if those questions don't if you if you're struggling with an answer like what state am I in? If you think. All right, well, what have I actually been doing with my body?
00:40:18:03 - 00:40:19:17
Filly
It's very yin yang.
00:40:19:19 - 00:40:30:11
Chris
That's yet. What, what I just said masculine. Yeah, yeah. If I been more masculine, what's a more of a feminine thing? If I've been, you know, more doing, how can I be.
00:40:30:13 - 00:41:03:12
Filly
Yeah. Yeah, well like it. This whole issue is a feminine masculine issue. It's almost like you're masculine. You're putting out too much during the day time, and then you're feminine and trying to receive during the night time, which the most feminine thing you could do is just drift off to sleep. Wouldn't that be wonderful? But that's not happening because of all the reasons we've spoken about, the last, last thing, last tip, last helpful tip to break through this cycle would be boundaries.
00:41:03:12 - 00:41:24:20
Filly
Yes, you're obviously doing too much. If you're in this pattern, you're doing too much for other people, or might not even be other people. It might be projects. It might be your work, your business that it's just like, oh, I just got to do the next thing. Got it right. The next book got to win the next award, go to create the next course.
00:41:24:22 - 00:41:50:07
Filly
By the way, these are just like my own personal experience lens. It's like, what else can I do to like, tick the the business boxes? How can I make more money? And so there's going to be some. Really? Yeah, there's going to be some boundaries that need to be put in place, either energetically around yourself against other people or, or your to do list.
00:41:50:09 - 00:42:16:10
Filly
And so I this is huge like we've had I've had many conversations with new clients that just say, oh, I just need to put some boundaries in. And I'm like, sure, go for it. Like if that's helpful, totally go for it. And it's going to be really unsafe at the moment. So I actually find boundaries. It's people really struggle with boundaries because of the deeper root core stuff that we were talking about.
00:42:16:12 - 00:42:37:08
Filly
Until you can review the deep beliefs, the deep fear that you have about yourself, like identify it, review it, upgrade it, and then clear it, it can be really scary to create boundaries for your unconscious line because it's like, no, no, no, no, no. If I put boundaries around other people, then who's going to validate me? Who's going to tell me that I'm a good human being?
00:42:37:08 - 00:42:54:04
Filly
I can't do that. No no no no no no. Oh, what if I stop working so much? It's like the whole world is going to fall apart and then like, oh, I'm going to die. So boundary is really important, but it usually comes later. It's safe to do it later because then you deeply love, trust and accept yourself.
00:42:54:04 - 00:43:18:16
Filly
And it's easy to put those boundaries in. But I mention this in the podcast because maybe it can be one thing. Maybe just like one little thing, what's one thing that you're where you're giving away your power too much? That would feel like a safe way to put a boundary into that? Yeah. Then if you've got any anything else to add to that?
00:43:18:18 - 00:43:53:09
Chris
Yeah. Just keep keep digging into those root causes, these, these deep main accusations that you're telling you self, I love the, the, the, the, the frame around feeling yourself fitting your oxygen mask last is, it's, it's like bothering you're being a model. You're giving your life to the people that you care about. Or prostituting yourself.
00:43:53:09 - 00:44:22:09
Chris
So you're giving of your body and your soul to the satisfaction of others so others can get the jollies off on on your sacrifice pieces. Sometimes those frames are enough to just kind of like, whoa, that they're sharp enough that they can kind of cut through the crap, that you're protecting yourself with. And these. Yeah, I find they they work really well because they're so blunt.
00:44:22:11 - 00:44:32:07
Filly
Yeah. You know what? I've just got one little thing to add about boundaries is Chris is talking. I was, like, mulling that over in my head, mewling, mewling it, howling, mauling.
00:44:32:09 - 00:44:35:18
Chris
Me like I was donkey ING this over in my head.
00:44:35:20 - 00:44:59:13
Filly
Mulling it over in my head. I like a good again. A question you could ask yourself is how can I carve out some time for me during the daytime? That's sort of where my head went when I started doing more like the boundary. The strategy type work was okay. I feel resentful by the end of the day.
00:44:59:13 - 00:45:22:19
Filly
So there's something not right. There's something out of whack during my daytime, I can I know it's because I'm not connecting with myself, so how can I create that time and what do I have to sacrifice or let go of instead, or do less of? Like a big one for me was, doing too many coaching consulting sessions.
00:45:22:21 - 00:45:28:17
Filly
And so then it's like, and, you know, I didn't want to say no to people. We had a period of this.
00:45:28:17 - 00:45:32:10
Chris
So why do you do that? Because I didn't want to say no. Why would you not want to say no?
00:45:32:10 - 00:45:52:17
Filly
Well yeah. Like we had a sorry in the past period in the past in our business where it just like, it kind of like exploded in terms of, like, leads, new clients, new sign ups. And it was everything that my heart ever wanted. Like, I'm like, I want a thriving practice. I want to make a big impact.
00:45:52:17 - 00:46:13:17
Filly
It's going to be wonderful. We're going to get there one day. And kind of like overnight. The scale tipped and I and I had just lost all boundaries around how much work I do with with our beautiful clients. And my calendar got very full. I was just like, yep, I work with you. Yep, yep. Oh yeah. Yeah. Perfect.
00:46:13:17 - 00:46:29:18
Filly
Yeah, yeah. We can totally salvia you see. Yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep. Now I mean we were getting paid for it. So that was also part of the why it's like well I didn't know like I had this like money scarcity faced or feminine type thing. So it's like, okay, well the famine is broke quickly.
00:46:29:18 - 00:46:30:12
Filly
Yes yes yes.
00:46:30:14 - 00:46:33:03
Chris
And Chris's at home. Some baking, some.
00:46:33:03 - 00:46:33:17
Filly
Baking.
00:46:33:17 - 00:46:35:18
Chris
Just enjoying being in his state.
00:46:35:23 - 00:47:00:19
Filly
But I knew I knew that I knew well, my body spoke to me very loud and clear. So probably it might have been like a month, maybe even 2 or 3 months into saying yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes and filling my calendar up too much. I was being interviewed on a podcast and I had a massive histamine reaction the morning of the podcast.
00:47:00:19 - 00:47:19:19
Filly
I could even say my face was like blowing up, and this hadn't happened for a very long time. So it was a clear like, broken rapport signals something's out of whack. And during this podcast, I fainted in the middle of it. It was actually a doctor was, interviewing me. So that was kind of funny.
00:47:19:21 - 00:47:21:08
Chris
It was a great recording.
00:47:21:11 - 00:47:48:01
Filly
It was a great recording. Will one day show that maybe we will share that now. If it. Anyway, that was a clear like, oh, oh, okay. I've broken some rapport with self and I need to do something with my calendar because I don't want to get burnt out. We help people overcome burnout and I'm like, I'm not going back down there.
00:47:48:01 - 00:48:09:12
Filly
And I wasn't burnt out at that stage, but that, that, that morning, that day. And what happened to my body was just such a slap in the face that it's like, okay, I'm ready to change now. Let's put some boundaries in. And then I like got very clear on what my calendar looks like with working with clients and the amount of time I put into the business as well.
00:48:09:14 - 00:48:19:02
Chris
I remember exactly where I was at that time. I was beach, I was at the beach going for a swim, and I was I got a call from the other from the doctor.
00:48:19:02 - 00:48:33:19
Filly
Well, I was really ticked off because he was supposed to be doing the interview with me and he's like, now you'll be right. I'm going to the beach. And here I am fully doing all the things. Chris over there in the beach and then.
00:48:33:19 - 00:48:38:07
Chris
Like unconscious, knew that there was a lesson that you needed to learn, that just.
00:48:38:12 - 00:49:03:09
Filly
As I'm interviewing this beautiful woman. Oh, hang on, was it my podcast or her podcast? No, I was interviewing her. We didn't podcast up, so Doctor Mary, it's actually on out, you know, yeah, she's it's on Apple Coast back in, I don't know, last year or the year before. But I was asking her questions around how she navigated harrowing burnout, and she was talking about boundaries and self-love and self-care.
00:49:03:09 - 00:49:24:19
Filly
And I'm, like, feeling in my body, like how angry I was at Chris. But a frustration with others is always a frustration with self. So it's just like there's this pressure cooker that was building up inside my system to say, like, enough is enough, settle down fully, let's get your boundaries back in place. And I'm very dude quickly and everything has been great since.
00:49:24:21 - 00:49:26:16
Chris
That's so funny. That's awesome.
00:49:26:18 - 00:49:30:13
Filly
Oh yeah, I wasn't planning to share that story, but there you go.
00:49:30:15 - 00:49:33:00
Chris
Bonus.
00:49:33:02 - 00:49:43:06
Filly
All right. Hopefully that was helpful and entertaining. And today, because I made a big difference for you today. All right. We'll catch you all next week.
00:49:43:08 - 00:49:48:06
Chris
Catch you later.
00:49:48:08 - 00:49:58:10
Filly
Thank you so much for listening. We so appreciate you. If you'd like to give us extra smiles, drop us a review and spread the love by sharing this episode.
00:49:58:12 - 00:50:22:18
Chris
You can also write your own state of burnout and the root cause contributors by taking our Ending Body Burnout assessment on our website. And if you're interested in learning about our group or one on one ending buddy burnout programs, shoot us a DM via Instagram or Facebook. Have the best day ever.
00:50:22:20 - 00:50:23:03
Chris
For.
