00:00:00:14 - 00:00:39:16
Chris
Hello. Before we jump in to today's podcast, which is an awesome one, I just wanted to do a quick shout out that in the month of May it is Natural Medicine Week, which is a beautiful week actually this year. It is for a whole month, natural Medicine week. It is run by Australian Traditional Medicine Society, and I am the ambassador for Natural Medicine Week for the fourth year in a row, which I'm really proud of because I love to share the power that can come when you use natural medicine in resolving health issues.
00:00:39:18 - 00:01:11:00
Chris
So this year I have been asked to co-host a webinar on Tuesday the 6th of May at 12 p.m. Sydney, Australia time. And my webinar is all about the three steps to end your mind body burnout. So if you're someone who's struggling with burnout, energy issues, gut issues, mood swings, inflammatory symptoms, and you're running this perpetual cycle of stress, overwhelm, overdoing people, pleasing, then this webinar is for you.
00:01:11:02 - 00:01:39:13
Chris
What we'll be covering is how burnout is impacting your health and your life. I'll go over the three essential steps to end your body burnout for good. I'll also cover why your symptoms keep returning, even though you might be eating a good diet, taking the supplements, or doing the protocols, and will be uncovering and showing you how to heal the deepest root causes of body burnout, including stress patterns and past trauma.
00:01:39:15 - 00:02:07:07
Chris
And finally, I will go over the importance of functional lab testing and looking deeper into your body systems and how to actually do these tests, and why these tests go beyond what GP's medical specialists test for and how it can help you in your healing journey. So if you would like to come along to this webinar, I'll pop in the show note links the link that you can join.
00:02:07:07 - 00:02:16:15
Chris
It is free. And yeah, I'd love to see you there. And to celebrate natural medicine.
00:02:16:17 - 00:02:30:10
Filly
Hello and welcome to the Ending Body Burnout Show. We are your host, Chris and Filly, co-founders of a multi-award winning functional medicine practice serving busy people with energy, mood, and gut issues.
00:02:30:10 - 00:02:38:07
Chris
Well, busyness, addictive doing, people pleasing and perfectionism might be the norm. It's not normal, and it's a major contributor to health issues.
00:02:38:10 - 00:02:51:14
Filly
Our goal with this show is to give you a holistic, root root cause approach to healing your body so that you don't have to continue doctor or diet hopping or popping a gazillion supplements hoping something might stick.
00:02:51:14 - 00:02:59:17
Chris
Sorry. Get ready to heal your body. Get your spark back deeply, connect with yourself and step into the life of your dreams.
00:02:59:20 - 00:03:09:02
Filly
Let's dive in.
00:03:09:04 - 00:03:16:08
Filly
Welcome everybody, to this episode of the Ending Body Out Show. We're excited to bring this episode to you today.
00:03:16:10 - 00:03:44:05
Chris
We are. Before we dive into today's topic, just wanted to do a little announcement. So in May it is Natural Medicine Week and I am an ambassador for Natural Medicine Week, which is run by Australian Traditional Medicine Society, which I'm associated with. And it's an awesome week. Actually, this year it's going to be for a full month, and I've been lucky enough to be invited to be a co-host.
00:03:44:07 - 00:04:04:10
Chris
Talking about three steps to end your mind body burnout. So this is a webinar I'm running in conjunction with ATM's Financial Medicine Week. It's going to be on Tuesday six of May at 12 p.m. Sydney, Australia time. So I popped in the show notes a link to join or register for this free webinar. It's going to be awesome.
00:04:04:10 - 00:04:16:04
Chris
And yeah, if you love today's episode, I think you'll love what we'll be covering more of in Natural Medicine Week webinar.
00:04:16:06 - 00:04:47:01
Chris
Okay, so today's topic is all about healing at your own pace and breaking the shame cycle. So this is this is a pun we see a lot in our practice with clients that work with us, especially in the early beginnings of the journey where they feel like they're not doing enough, not doing the work fast enough, and then they drop down and into this shame cycle, which hijacks their ability to progress and to heal.
00:04:47:01 - 00:05:09:00
Chris
So we thought we would bring this topic to the podcast, because I'm sure there's plenty of other people outside of our practice dealing with this issue, and also for any clients that are listening that are like, yep, I resonate, there's going to be some really tangible things that we'll talk about today that you can put into action. So, let's start off with what is shame?
00:05:09:02 - 00:05:12:16
Chris
Chris Watts, can you give a definition of shame?
00:05:12:18 - 00:05:40:04
Filly
Put me on the spot. Okay. It's I actually like to explain, guilt first. Guilt is I did something wrong, and I heard Brené Brown talk about these distinctions in a seminar she gave once, and and I love it. It's just so simple. Guilt is I've done something wrong. Blame is you've done something wrong. They've done something wrong.
00:05:40:04 - 00:06:07:21
Filly
It's done something wrong, or it's it's your fault. You know, blame is a projection. It's outside of you. Guilt is inside of you, and you're taking responsibility with with guilt. Shame is different. It's not. I've done something wrong. Shame is I am wrong. I'm either inherently wrong or I'm not enough or I lack, so shame is, is I'm not good enough in some way shape or form.
00:06:07:23 - 00:06:34:04
Chris
Yeah. So we're going to dig into that around how to break this, this cycle of I'm not doing enough of the healing work. So therefore there must be something wrong with me. I'm not able to do this capable to do this strong enough to do this. Maybe not worthy or deserving enough to do these, sometimes these words will run through people's head consciously, but a lot of the times it's just this feeling and this emotion of shame.
00:06:34:06 - 00:07:04:02
Chris
Until they start digging into what's underneath it. Now, also in terms of healing at your own pace. So this shame cycle comes along when someone feels like they're not doing enough work. And this is so interesting because in our ending body burnout method. So we're working on both the physical and the metaphysical, and part of the program, like all of our clients, I mean, our semi-private and private one on one options, get one on one coaching consulting.
00:07:04:02 - 00:07:25:18
Chris
So there's a lot of one on one support, but there is a component in our program where we do weekly group coaching as well. And we run these on a 12 week cycle where we cover the metaphysical side of healing, because this is where people, find this part of healing really hard. And it's the thing that is the deepest root cause of body burnout.
00:07:25:20 - 00:07:42:15
Chris
And what we find is people are like, I'm not I'm not keeping up with the content of the group cause in my own personal study, I'm not doing enough, or they're comparing it to other people that they're so ahead. They know more than me. I'm not doing enough or at the end of the day, there's no expectations.
00:07:42:15 - 00:08:07:15
Chris
We put on anyone that you have to be at a certain point in the program in order to be doing enough. So the expectations are never protected. Bike from Chris and I. It's all coming from internally, which then is spurred on by this shame feeling of shame. I'm not good enough, I haven't done enough or I haven't done enough.
00:08:07:15 - 00:08:41:01
Chris
Therefore I'm not good enough. And that causes dysregulation. And it's often in the coaching space as well. So the coaching space is a judgement free space. So there are actually no expectations, which might sound really weird in that it's like, hang on, aren't you going to help me get the thing that I want? Aren't you going to hold me accountable and make sure that you hold my hand and tell me exactly what I need to do, and when the coaching space is almost like, spirally messy, taking you on a dance.
00:08:41:01 - 00:08:54:01
Chris
And that could look very different for each person. And this is really important because you are becoming your own self healer, your own accountability Body, not us. We're just providing the framework and the guidance to get there.
00:08:54:03 - 00:09:14:11
Filly
Can I can I just talk a little bit about our journey as coaches? In regards to accountability? When we had a gym, we we did accountability calls where it was kind of like a little bit of mindset, a lot of strategy. It's like, you need to do this. This has to be done. This is what you've got to do.
00:09:14:13 - 00:09:37:22
Filly
If you want the result you must do must you have to got to you need to. And that led me to, to to to really see a limitation in that, that, that there was a reason why people ran these strategies. And, and I think we've come we've come a long way from, from this have to got to binary black white types type strategy focusing haven't we.
00:09:37:22 - 00:10:01:02
Chris
Yeah. And that's because we're wiser, more mature, a deep, in our coaching abilities and skills back then, like years ago when we had the gym and it was accountability. And that's how we're going to help you get to do the thing. There was a lot of neediness from us to like when you must do you have to otherwise you're no good and I'm going to kick you out.
00:10:01:04 - 00:10:09:14
Chris
That's a lot of judgement placed on the coach to the client, because it and it actually comes from insecurities from the coach.
00:10:09:17 - 00:10:31:00
Filly
We were yeah, we were running insecure rescuer drama tendencies of of will save you from the problems that you've got. If you do the things that we're telling you to do. And then it just, it was just like a little it was a mess. Right? We and we were stuck in that. Yeah. That cycle for a long time.
00:10:31:02 - 00:10:56:22
Filly
So we we we found we we wanted to change things instead of making things happen. Well turn turn it off us from from us needing you to have any sort of result to. Hey, look, if you don't want this, that, that's that's totally fine. The part of you probably doesn't want this. But we bring this no shame.
00:10:57:00 - 00:11:01:14
Filly
You are where you are. You're not where you're not mentality to our coaching now.
00:11:01:14 - 00:11:24:01
Chris
Yeah. Which allows clients to come into whether it's a one on one coaching space or even the group coaching space that, you know, even though there's patterns of people coming in there, like I haven't done the thing that I said I was going to do. And, sometimes that can be patterns of rescheduling or postponing or ghosting, which we'll get into a little bit more.
00:11:24:03 - 00:11:43:23
Chris
But we're pretty quick at nipping that in the bud straight away that it's like, I don't care, like I don't care. Cool. Great. Let's have a conversation about it. Let's dig in. Let's look underneath the surface at why you're either resisting this or why you're scared, or let's break through the block. So that's what we mean by we're not grading you.
00:11:44:00 - 00:11:55:02
Chris
We're not expecting you or our client. Sorry to be at a specific point in time when we say them next, it's purely like, great, where are you? Let's have a conversation about that.
00:11:55:04 - 00:12:17:20
Filly
It's like driving a car. We you could take your car. Something might not be working. Maybe like the brakes or the steering or something like that. It's just not, functioning the way it could or should. And you take it to the mechanic and you say, hey, man, like this. This isn't working. I can't get it to do what I want.
00:12:17:22 - 00:12:35:13
Filly
Just you need to to try harder. You need to push it. You need to, force it to, to to work. And, you know, like, if, if, if we run that analogy, you know, a client comes into us and we just give them more strategies to, to just force themselves to, to do the things.
00:12:35:18 - 00:12:40:03
Chris
That's abusive and traumatic to the person. You're making them do the thing.
00:12:40:03 - 00:13:06:17
Filly
Yeah. What why is why is this even an issue? Why are you choosing not to not to do the thing. And we've, we've switched to instead of, you've got to you need to, to hey, there might be a part of you that does want to, but surprise, surprise, I bet you $1 million monopoly money that a part of you might be a big pot or a little pot.
00:13:06:18 - 00:13:36:13
Filly
Pot of you, doesn't want to do the things. Why is that? Let's chat to that part of you. Let's have a conversation with that pot. Who's who's trying to take control of your bus and derail you, drive you off the path. You know, like, what does that pot actually want or not want? And we usually find is some sort of a beautiful, self-serving reason why that pot of you does not want to do the things that the other parts of you do want to do.
00:13:36:14 - 00:13:45:06
Filly
And so we just drop the shame and just say, hey, let's meet you where you actually are right now. That's how we roll these days.
00:13:45:10 - 00:13:51:07
Chris
Cool. Thanks. We can end now because you've just kind of, like, done the closing of the podcast.
00:13:51:09 - 00:13:52:12
Filly
Yes.
00:13:52:14 - 00:14:12:20
Chris
That's okay. We might come back to that. But there's lots of other types of breaking the shame cycle. One, other thing I just want to mention around, like, we don't shame you. We know, grading you, we're not going to kick you out if you haven't done the thing. I had a conversation with a client pretty recently, maybe about a month or two, and it had been a couple of months between out one, two and one.
00:14:12:20 - 00:14:16:12
Chris
Consults. And she came in and she's like.
00:14:16:14 - 00:14:16:20
Filly
I'm.
00:14:16:20 - 00:14:36:14
Chris
Sorry. Like, I could see there was this head dropping, this feeling of shame. She's like, how's up? I'm like a little bit it is. These are the thoughts that she was having in a head that when I show up to this session with Filly, she's going to kick me out. She's going to kick me out because I haven't done the thing.
00:14:36:14 - 00:14:39:03
Filly
I've been a naughty girl.
00:14:39:05 - 00:14:59:03
Chris
And that's so interesting because that that is part of the shame. I've been a naughty girl. I'm going to be kicked out. And that's never the case. In fact, I love working with people who struggle to do the thing because it's like they've got they're being honest, first of all, and we've got the skills to help you move through that and break through that.
00:14:59:03 - 00:15:26:14
Chris
Even if it's slow and windy and spirally and messy, you can totally get to the other side. The only reason why we would kick someone out, for want of a better word, by the way, maybe a nicer, more pragmatic word would be finish the coaching. Agreement would be if there's no longer leverage, if you no longer want the thing you said you wanted, because then therefore, it's like if there's no leverage to move you to help move towards what you want.
00:15:26:16 - 00:15:48:22
Chris
If you're kind of like, I'm done, I'm happy to be sick and sorry and tired and anxious. I don't want what's on the other side anymore. Then it's like there's there's no you like, we can't play the dance anymore. So that would be the only reason. Okay, so we're going to give you some real life examples of how this shows up.
00:15:49:00 - 00:16:10:06
Chris
Now, these aren't really specific to past clients or a client. It's kind of like a pattern of client examples that we see with this shame cycle of, I haven't done enough. So now this actually is pretty rare that this would happen, but sometimes we will have clients join our ending body burn out method program, which is a six month commitment.
00:16:10:06 - 00:16:39:11
Chris
And it's a deep, holistic root root cause healing program. It's the best way to work with us to get phenomenal results. If you show up. And occasionally we might have, like we've had some clients, you know, they might come along to their first one or to 101 sessions. They're booked in. There's some bit of accountability, or they feel that that is accountability on their side, that it's like, oh, well, if I don't turn up, then I'm going to let that person down.
00:16:39:13 - 00:17:13:12
Chris
And sometimes and they get stuck either with lab testing or working through the deep inner work and they keep postponing and postponing and postponing the sessions until the six months is up and they've basically run away. They've lent out, run away, disappeared. He'd, it was less painful running away and disappearing than showing up because of this date feeling of shame, of not doing the things that they said they wanted to do to get the result.
00:17:13:14 - 00:17:21:04
Chris
Otherwise this shows up. Could be with clients who are really stretched with time. Now time is just a concept.
00:17:21:06 - 00:17:52:09
Filly
Oh hang on, are you moving on to the next example? Because I like to just touch on that one around the running away. The you kind of said it, the, The pain of running away. Was less than the pain of trying and potentially failing. It's this fear or of I can't heal. I am inherently broken.
00:17:52:14 - 00:18:16:19
Filly
I am not enough. And here's another time that now I can use the money that I've spent on on this course. I can now put that in, in the category of proof of see, see, this is what I'm telling you. I'm not good enough to heal. I can't do it. I can't even do the things.
00:18:16:20 - 00:18:22:21
Chris
I thought that I was going to get a magic supplement and things would magically be better.
00:18:22:23 - 00:18:57:02
Filly
Yeah. And so that that pain of man, I am just going to take this on the chin and I'm going to call this a loss rather than try and potentially fail or in their in their heart they're saying try and fail. There's no potentially in there. And so that's a, that's a big thing that that shameful disgust about your abilities and capacity really can, can paralyse you and send, send you running.
00:18:57:08 - 00:18:57:18
Chris
Yeah.
00:18:57:18 - 00:19:01:10
Filly
And my voice did a funny thing with a woman.
00:19:01:11 - 00:19:03:14
Chris
On a that's kind of like my.
00:19:03:14 - 00:19:05:13
Filly
Voice did what I was talking about in a.
00:19:05:13 - 00:19:43:17
Chris
Way that's like, this can also show up. So it's not just with new clients, but sometimes it can show up with longer term clients as well. Where, like you, we do have our six month, but after the six month ending, but we've been out method program. We have kind of like membership subscription options where people can continue working with us to continue working on healing their body systems if they've still got work to do there and or continue working on the deeper metaphysical side of healing, which is often, you know, people like to go through multiple iterations of that so that they're fully embodying it and integrating it into their lives and who
00:19:43:17 - 00:20:12:10
Chris
they are. So sometimes this like running away Lainey can show out later on in the healing journey or the coaching journey, because again, they get stuck. They feel like they're not progressing. They're showing up to their weekly one on ones if they're private client, and it's almost like same conversation feels like the same conversation every week. And it feels easier leaning out rather than showing up wholehearted.
00:20:12:11 - 00:20:38:02
Chris
And I remember you had a session with someone recently about this and and I think you even. What did you say? You said, all right, cool. Lay it out. Run away. So good I don't care. And he said back to you. Oh yeah. Like I'd feel better in the short term, but I'd still be stuck. So it's actually going to be more painful in the long term if I lean out.
00:20:38:04 - 00:21:06:07
Filly
Yeah. I can't remember if I've talked about this in a podcast episode, but I was reading a book. It's on it's from Act. It's the Counselling Modality Act. Anyway, they talk about the bus and I don't agree 100% with some of the philosophies around the bus driving. But the way I explain it is in my own version.
00:21:06:09 - 00:21:23:10
Filly
There's there is a driver of the bus, and you're the driver of the bus, and you're going somewhere. Where are you going? Well, that's your choice. You go in your life, you can take your bus wherever you want to go. This is your life. This is your life bus. So off you go on your journey of life.
00:21:23:10 - 00:21:52:08
Filly
Driving down the path of your life. And all of a sudden, from the back of the bus comes somebody and they grab the steering wheel and they seem to turn you around, drive back the opposite direction, make you seemingly lose all sort of progress, or somebody might come from the back of the bus and just, it might just, like, steer you off track, take you off road, bang the bus, you know, hurt you, break you.
00:21:52:10 - 00:22:19:18
Filly
And, I look at all of those parts of you as beautiful parts that want the best for you. And so when you feel like something is derailing you or taking you off track or turning you around, or you're going backwards or flat out just slamming on the brakes, that part of you isn't an evil, nasty, bad part that needs to be getting rid of, gotten rid of whatever the proper grammar is.
00:22:19:20 - 00:22:45:06
Filly
That part of you is a beautiful. Now, this might take some mental gymnastics, but that part of you is a beautiful, wonderful, misunderstood part of you that wants to gain certainty by taking over control of the bus. And so with this, this client that he was just mentioning before, about they wanted to run away and, they recognise the pain.
00:22:45:11 - 00:23:14:21
Filly
There was a part of them that had taken control of the steering wheel of the bus was was wanting them to to stay in paralysis or freeze or flight. And and that part of him was a beautiful part. And when we started to examine that part, we we understood some, some needs and some wants that weren't being met, some, some past significant emotional events that that we need to examine that were literally keeping him awake at night.
00:23:14:22 - 00:23:23:07
Filly
And that's how work at the moment is to look at the needs of the, the part of him that's trying to take control of the bus.
00:23:23:09 - 00:23:46:10
Chris
Yeah. It's awesome. Okay. Now this not doing enough shame cycle can show up very differently. Almost on the other side of the spectrum. So we've been talking about a pattern of I'm not doing enough. So I'm going to lean out I'm actually going to do less. I'm either going to like quit completely or had some people, so after the six months, we have a few different options of working with us.
00:23:46:10 - 00:24:20:14
Chris
There's one on one support, or there's also a group only component. And I've had some people and again, like there's no judgement on neediness for me in terms of like, no, you have to continue seeing me 101. But I've had some clients show up with this pattern again of leaning out, not completely. It's almost like, no, I'm I'm still doing the work so I can still put my head down at night and say that I'm still doing the work and I'm a good human being, but I feel like I want to drop down to the group only because, like, I'm feeling really awkward coming to out one on ones every month.
00:24:20:14 - 00:24:40:12
Chris
And like, I haven't done the homework. I don't want to be wasting your time or like, wasting my money because I haven't done the thing. So it's very, you know, there can be like little subtle, hidden, insidious ways that this shows up to where you it's called hiding out in plain sight or in blind spot, hiding out in plain sight.
00:24:40:12 - 00:25:06:02
Chris
Where it's like I'm still doing the work. But if I can do it in a different way where I actually don't have to show up, but I'm still like doing it, then that's how the shame cycle can show up. Now, on the other side, we have also seen a pattern of clients where they feel like they're not doing enough, and this actually flings them into the opposite direction of fight flight, where it's like, not sorry, not, more fight.
00:25:06:02 - 00:25:26:03
Chris
It's more fight, a more mobilisation of energy and more activation where they have to quickly do all the things and force their way through the homework or through the healing protocols and do it as fast as they can. And there's like urgency and fear underneath it. Or on the other side, it can look like I have to do more things.
00:25:26:04 - 00:25:46:19
Chris
I'm doing ending Body Burnout method program, but I also am doing a course in cyber clearing and another course in meditation and breathwork and another course, and I'm seeing ten other practitioners. So this will also show up as a I'm not doing enough, I feel like I'm not enough, and therefore I need to do more in order to feel good about myself.
00:25:46:21 - 00:26:13:14
Chris
So, yeah, hopefully if you're listening or you are listening, if you still hear, but you might notice some patterns showing up for you. And also it's a spectrum as well. So we're talking on the ends of both spectrums. You might be showing up more subtly. And yeah like if it's still showing up subtly and it's an unresolvable pattern for you, then the rest of what we'll talk about is going to be helpful.
00:26:13:16 - 00:26:51:20
Chris
Okay. So what happens when you let shame control you? So so what will happen like very clearly is there is a thought of I'm not doing enough. It's always an internal, expectation. Then it creates the feeling of shame. Then it can create the action of either leaning out, running away, hiding, or on the other side of things, becoming very super activated and doing things with urgency and fee and fastness.
00:26:51:22 - 00:27:19:18
Chris
So this will feed into what we call the root cause of body burnout every time. And the root root cause that we work with, with our clients, always comes back to a deep fear that you have about yourself, a deep, unconscious core beliefs that is often very hidden and so if you feed this root cause belief based on getting stuck in this shame cycle, then you will stay perpetually stuck.
00:27:19:20 - 00:27:39:07
Chris
And there's a really good model by Nathaniel Brandon that it's called the Self Esteem model. And this is cool because when you run away, this is what's going to happen. And then we'll go over what happens when you face up. So when you break through the the cycle of the shame cycle, you let go of expectations and you face up.
00:27:39:07 - 00:28:22:16
Chris
Then things will happen. Things will happen very differently. So if you run away, this will look like everything that we've been talking about hiding, pretending, game playing, procrastination, lying, avoiding, lying to self avoidance, fantasy, blame excuses, or becoming hyper vigilant. This causes you to then feel shame, guilt, anxiety, and then this. What this teaches you and teaches your unconscious mind is kind of like re feeding the neural pathways is that you don't have what it takes to deal with life, and then it perpetuates some sort of belief that you're not good enough, that you're no good.
00:28:22:16 - 00:28:43:18
Chris
You're broken. There's something wrong with you. And then how does that make you feel at the end? Will you feel bad about yourself? There's poor self-esteem, so that's what's going to happen every time you get stuck in this shame cycle if you face up. So this is like, I'm having the thought I'm feeling, and I'm feeling the thing.
00:28:43:18 - 00:29:17:13
Chris
I'm not doing enough and I'm feeling shame. But if your response to that is different. So you actually just made it with neutrality and you face up, then this will show up as being honest with self, having some courage, having some willingness to lean into it rather than running away, dealing with your stuff. It's like, okay, cool, I'm having these thoughts and these feelings because there's something deeper underneath with it, but with it, therefore, I'm going to deal with my stuff.
00:29:17:13 - 00:29:39:20
Chris
I'm going to step up. I'm going to confront how I'm feeling in the uncomfortableness of the situation and lean in. I'm going to listen to myself, or listen to my gods. I'm going to take full responsibility that I've created this, and I'm going to have acceptance that this is where I'm at, right now. There's no judgement free.
00:29:39:22 - 00:30:03:12
Chris
So this is what it looks like. If you are facing up, this helps you to feel confident, to have peace. And it's going to lead to growth and it's going to teach you something about yourself. So it's every time you face up and leaning rather than leaning out, it's going to teach you that you have what it takes to deal with life and whatever it presents.
00:30:03:14 - 00:30:22:22
Chris
And in this moment, it's actually going to start reprogramming a new belief about self, that you are enough, that you are a good person, that you do feel good about yourself, that you're strong, more capable than what you ever thought you would be, that you're loving and deserving and worthy of it. And then how does this make you feel?
00:30:22:22 - 00:30:43:11
Chris
Well, you feel good about yourself. There's healthy self-esteem and a person who feels good about themselves and good in their body is a person that heals. A person who feels deep. Trust and love and acceptance with self has no disease. They're healthy. They're well. The symptoms are gone.
00:30:43:13 - 00:30:52:06
Chris
I want to add anything to that.
00:30:52:08 - 00:30:54:00
Filly
No, not not so much to that.
00:30:54:05 - 00:31:24:04
Chris
Okay. I want to share a little example of something that happened to me. Now, this is kind of. It might sound small, but I felt really stuck. And this is how I actually it played into this self-esteem model of facing up rather than running away. So, so I wanted to improve my relationship with Grace, and our marriage and our intimacy and the game that we're playing.
00:31:24:06 - 00:31:46:15
Chris
And this was, I don't know, it was quite a few months ago. And I kept having in my mind that I'm like, yeah, I want to have this conversation with him. And the next step for that is to say, decrease. Hey, can we plug some times in the diary where we can start having regular conversations? Sounds like a very simple thing to do, doesn't it?
00:31:46:17 - 00:32:11:05
Chris
Yet I just kept not doing it. I kept not having the conversation. I didn't put it in the calendar, put everything else in the calendar, but not this one thing. And I was kind of a bit bamboozled by it. I'm like, what? It's such a simple thing to do. Why am I not doing it? And I remember saying to myself, oh, I'll do it after like our launch.
00:32:11:05 - 00:32:43:15
Chris
It's really busy at the moment. So when the doors close and there's more spaciousness in time, then I'll. Then I'll have that. I'll start having these conversations with Chris. Launch went doors closed. I still didn't do the thing. And so I actually had my own personal coaching session about this with one of my coaches, because I was just like, there's some obviously deep unconscious block around these, because I'm very good at doing things that I just why am I not doing this thing?
00:32:43:17 - 00:33:05:01
Chris
And so I could have. So I faced up because I, invested my time and energy and my money into a coaching session. I was ready, to be honest. I was ready to break through. If I'd run away, then I would have just continued being bamboozled by it. Oh, this is weird. Maybe I just need to wait for the right time.
00:33:05:03 - 00:33:30:04
Chris
And I would have continued running away, so faced off in that coaching session was really valuable because I realised that I was scared about what I would discover about our relationship and about Chris personally, I won't go into like, any details around like where my unconscious mind was like trying to pull me to, but basically there was, I it was the months.
00:33:30:06 - 00:33:53:12
Chris
Like there was an unexamined monster in my unconscious mind that if I really show up and I'm having these conversations, what if I find out something really dark about Chris or really dark about our marriage? And when this came to my conscious awareness, I was just like, oh, wow, is that is that what has been stopping me? Craziness.
00:33:53:12 - 00:34:19:13
Chris
Because we've been through some dark, dark spots in the past. I don't think there'll be anything more scary than what we've we've worked through. And so fear unexamined remains a monster. So when the monster came to, the surface, I realised what I was scared about and why I was blocking myself from moving forward with putting time into the calendar to start having these come together meetings with Chris.
00:34:19:15 - 00:34:42:15
Chris
Then that day, like, it was almost like a switch flicked on. So not only did I just go straight to Chris and I said, okay, let's like plug it in the diary and every Friday we're going to do this and it's going to be great. So that just started happening. But also randomly, I took my surfboard out onto the ocean for the very first time.
00:34:42:15 - 00:35:12:19
Chris
So Chris bought me a surfboard like the Christmas earlier. So it had been 13 months that this surfboard had been sitting in our garage and I really wanted to learn to surf, but I just I never stepped on to it. I hadn't even put the fins together. But that day I'm just like, great. I've plugged that into the calendar with Chris, and I've gone surfing the very first time all by myself, and I even got up on to my knees and stayed on my knees for a while on the surf.
00:35:12:21 - 00:35:32:16
Chris
So I felt like I was on fire. I shared this in terms of when you face off and you break through, only good things happen. And not just good things. Specifically in terms of like the relationship with Chris and having these get together meetings. But also, like everything else in my life, my coaching sessions with clients were just like epic on fire.
00:35:32:21 - 00:35:36:08
Chris
I felt like I was on fire.
00:35:36:09 - 00:36:01:23
Filly
The the other thing that that came out of out, we call them come togethers where we feel, you know, I will will have a, a time where we can come together and be with each other and connect with each other. And, the the first rule of communication in our, in our relationship is, will you say, say what you mean.
00:36:01:23 - 00:36:27:20
Filly
And, and ask questions. Be a leader. Don't don't just make observations and express your your feelings, which is, you know, a healthy thing to do, but it's kind of immature as well. And so we we made a rule in our relationship where it's just if you want something, say it. Don't just say you want something, then ask. Ask for it.
00:36:27:22 - 00:36:49:23
Filly
And so when Filly, Filly and I started making these rules in our relationship, the first rule was, hey, let's have better communication and that means that we shine a light on these things that we're scared of. And it's and it's risky. It's scary to have conversations because man, the answer might, we might we.
00:36:49:23 - 00:36:51:01
Chris
Might get a chance to.
00:36:51:01 - 00:37:19:20
Filly
Yeah, we might get into a disagreement or we might not see things the same way. Or maybe it might highlights something in the other person and anything that you want to remain hidden or anything that you want to stay tucked away, is it's like a Las Vegas neon sign saying shame, shame, shame, shame. You know that any time you want to hide something and not let it be seen, that that's shame.
00:37:19:20 - 00:37:21:22
Chris
Yeah, yeah. Awesome.
00:37:21:22 - 00:37:39:17
Filly
So, yeah. So anyway, point was, our whole relationship now is about opening up to the risk and allowing these things to to be there and therefore not being ashamed.
00:37:39:19 - 00:37:58:08
Chris
Yeah. And that's the I think that that's the important first step of facing up rather than running away or hiding is that it's like, I'm going to be honest, I'm going to listen. This is whether it's with another person in your life or with yourself. Yeah, I'm going to be honest. I'm going to listen. I'm going to deal with my stuff.
00:37:58:10 - 00:38:18:06
Chris
And I'm going to be courageous. And it's actually the most loving thing I can do for myself as well. Some can even be a bit selfish by showing off, by facing up. Running away is selfless. Showing up is selfish in a really lovely way. I don't know, like if people have bad connotations to selfish and selfless. But it's it is.
00:38:18:06 - 00:38:40:09
Chris
It's love for self. Okay, so let's chat about some ways that you can overcome the I haven't done enough shame cycle. So Chris in some of these already like especially when you talked about parts work, I don't know if you wanted to talk more about that or if you feel like if.
00:38:40:11 - 00:39:03:21
Filly
My favourite way to to talk about Pat's work is the bus. Because the everyone on the bus serves you. Sometimes it might appear that that part of you, you just want to toss them off the bus, but that they are on the bus because they love you and they're all coming on your journey because they they are those parts of you.
00:39:03:23 - 00:39:26:14
Filly
Love you. This is my version of part's work. And I'll take this from from a few different places. But, have a look at the highest possible positive intention of these parts. What do they want? What's what does that give you? You take it to the top, and it's almost always going to serve you in some way, shape or form if you can't find it out.
00:39:26:16 - 00:39:50:07
Filly
I've, I've found having a conversation with somebody else is a really good way of just bouncing this off, and that somebody else could be your journal. Hey, could that could be the somebody else. So find the positive intention. But then also, you can also go, go down. It's like, well, hang on, how is this a problem?
00:39:50:09 - 00:40:09:00
Filly
There is a high positive intention for this part, but there is a problem. This is actually a problem for you. Why? And why is that a problem? Why is that a problem? Why is there? And you dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, and you get to a real problem. And then you ask this question, it's like, well, what does that mean about you?
00:40:09:02 - 00:40:27:23
Filly
And you link that problem up. I, I don't know if you're going to get that if you've just come across us that that's quite a deep thing that I've just explained right there. Our clients will be like, oh yeah, yeah, I get it. Because we just we do a lot of work on this. So, so maybe that this, that point that I just made to say might go over some people's heads.
00:40:27:23 - 00:40:58:07
Filly
That's totally cool. So there is going to be a problem and there's going to be a purpose. And integrating these, these parts looks like having a conversation with that part that wants the best for you, but is going about it in a non optimal way. And it's about having a conversation with that part and just saying, I see you, I get you, I acknowledge you, I allow you to be here.
00:40:58:09 - 00:41:08:18
Filly
But I wonder if you know that what you're doing in the way that you're doing it is not serving the greater whole. And is it possible for us to come up with a better solution? Bang!
00:41:08:20 - 00:41:09:15
Chris
00:41:09:17 - 00:41:21:15
Filly
And then then you start integrating it, smush it into to something that that actually works for everybody, for all parts of you. That's how, that's how I do parts work.
00:41:21:17 - 00:41:48:01
Chris
Yeah I love it. Another thing around I haven't done and off therefore how can we break the shame cycle. So I this was real time. Had a coaching session with a lady recently who felt like this came to the coaching session. She's like head head hung. Shame I haven't done the things I'm not enough. And also, she is a woman who has little kids and is working.
00:41:48:01 - 00:42:12:09
Chris
And you know, this is why I started talking about time before so time is just a concept. We all have time. But she had a very full life of juggling a lot of things, so it is so I worked with Harringtons as well. First of all, you've created this not just your life, but like you've created the expectations of what is enough.
00:42:12:14 - 00:42:34:19
Chris
And so therefore you've created the loop of shame. So I mean, what Chris was talking about was more deeper root cause work, but in order to be able to move forward so that you're not paralysed in this shame cycle is something that you could try. Please just lower your expectations, like chunk it down to the very next small step to get, momentum.
00:42:34:19 - 00:42:57:17
Chris
So if you feel like I haven't done enough because your expectations is so high, it's often connected to it all or nothing thinking, perfectionism or overdoing type patterns, then what's the very next step to get to where you want to be? And this is where I get really granular with clients. And and I'm like, make it so small that it's actually impossible to fail.
00:42:57:19 - 00:43:22:17
Chris
Like, oh, where do we go with this lady? Do you I can't really remember, but I think it was it was something so small that she's like, I could listen to at least one little five, ten minute lesson in your spark program once a week. I'm like, great. Like, do you reckon you can do that? She's like, that's like, so easy that I can't fail.
00:43:22:19 - 00:43:35:09
Chris
I'm like, awesome. Great. So therefore when you can chunk it down to something small, you're actually going to break the loop of feeling shame because you're winning and you're making these wins.
00:43:35:11 - 00:44:05:16
Filly
Before you go into the next one, my model is, is e apostrophe s and when you, when you break it down into these small steps, just make sure it's easy. Make sure it's essential that you're actually doing the things that need to find that it's called minimal effective dose. Find the, you know, if to to Panadol gets you the pain relief, so to speak.
00:44:05:18 - 00:44:36:14
Filly
Having 20 is unnecessary and dangerous. Having half isn't enough. So what's your two Panadol. What's your what's your minimum effective dose. So find the essential find it easy. Make sure you're enjoying it. Find some sort of way to tap into a pleasure response in the thing that you've chosen to do in your expectation. And and just make sure that it's energising you, that you all things, all stuff, including you, needs energy to grow.
00:44:36:14 - 00:44:51:14
Filly
And so if you want to grow this thing in your life, then you need to give it some energy and focus. So how can you bring energy to this? So that's what I call the ease. Break it down into those things.
00:44:51:14 - 00:45:17:10
Chris
Yeah, I love it. Also, start noticing your cycle pattern and start. You can start uncoupling. The feeling of shame is just a sensation. It doesn't define who you are. So you're not. You're not trying to initially pretend it's not there, or to thwarted or to squash it down, because that's going to be repression and it's going to show up in your body in some way if you're not expressing it.
00:45:17:12 - 00:45:40:22
Chris
But I love the term. There's no dirty emotion, so you can't control a bird flying around your head, but you can control if it nests on your head. And that's very similar to emotions as well. So if you feel that shame of like, I haven't done enough, I'm no good or you're feeling it as a thought pattern or in your body, it's like, cool.
00:45:40:22 - 00:46:05:21
Chris
It's there. If the if you then connect a dirty emotion onto that, that shows up as. And now I'm really bad, now I am no good. Now I feel even more shame. Now I'm feeling frustration. Now I'm feeling depressed. And so that's where the emotions can start creating and perpetuating the cycle. So no dirty emotions is I had the thought.
00:46:05:21 - 00:46:35:11
Chris
I felt the feeling. Now I'm just going to look at it with curiosity. I'm going to made it. I'll look at it with curious. It doesn't mean anything about me. It doesn't define who I am. And you could even imagine that if you could give a microphone to this feeling, this emotion, what's it really saying to you? And when you can slow down and just do that with more neutrality, more curiosity, you might actually an artist memories from the past pop up.
00:46:35:13 - 00:46:55:02
Chris
You know, like all those times when you're a little kid and dad said you were no good and you needed to do more to be better, and so then it's like, okay, great. Well, you know, it's going to start. You're going to start seeing the breadcrumbs of where this actually came from. And then what you need to do in order to be free from it.
00:46:55:04 - 00:47:15:17
Chris
And then the last thing I think about is sewing a program without clients. I talk a lot about micro macro lens of healing. So a lot of people can get stuck in micro in the micro lens of healing, where it's like when things are good, you feel great, but when things get crappy or you're not doing the thing or you have a flare up in your symptoms, then it's like, oh, this sucks, it's not working.
00:47:15:19 - 00:47:35:05
Chris
And so you can get stuck in this up down pattern when you're focussed on the micro of like all the little things that are happening or not happening for you or to you, when you can zoom out and look at the macro lens of healing, this is what true healing actually looks like. And it's going to be different for everyone and for a for one person.
00:47:35:05 - 00:48:09:05
Chris
It will be different in different seasons in their life. And this is where it's like cool. There's going to be ebbs and flows and ups and downs and it all has to be there. Because any time there's the downs there, the learnings, any times there's the ups, it's like there's the evidence that I am healing. And so you're actually when you can embrace that and when you can lean into that, it's going to help break down the shame cycle, because then you just you're playing the game of healing.
00:48:09:07 - 00:48:36:14
Chris
And there's a big difference between playing the game and doing the work. Like when you get fixated on, I'm not doing enough. I need to do more. I have to do the work. I have to do this protocol. I have to do this x, y, z. That's very forceful. As opposed to, playing the game and the game of healing from a macro lens is that it's spirally and messy, and it can be slow sometimes and fast sometimes.
00:48:36:16 - 00:49:17:22
Chris
And being able to embrace that and lean into that rather than hiding, running away or becoming super, forceful, urgent and becoming more dysregulated and not being able to heal. All right. Little, little closing statement. So when it comes to healing, remember, you're not healing to prove your worth, your healing, to reclaim it. And this when you can really lean into that feeling to that, it's like, wow.
00:49:18:03 - 00:49:39:18
Chris
So I don't like it doesn't matter how much or how little I do this week, that's not who I am. And that's not the worth that I'm trying to prove when I can actually start letting go of that. That's where the healing can happen, and that's where I can then be healed. All right. Well, so thank you so much for listening.
00:49:39:20 - 00:50:05:09
Chris
Just a reminder that today is a Natural Medicine Week happening in May. And my webinar is on that. I'm co-hosting as part of natural medicine. Wait, that is on Tuesday the sixth. Oh, crikey. Let me just, double check that date. Tuesday the six at 12 p.m. Sydney time. It's all about the three steps to end your mind body burn out.
00:50:05:09 - 00:50:33:02
Chris
I'm going to be looking at how burnout impacts your health in your daily life. The three steps to end your body. Burnout for good. I'll cover why your symptoms keep returning, even with good diets and supplements and protocols. How to uncover and heal the deepest root causes of burnout, including stress patterns and past trauma. And I'll also be talking about the importance of testing your body systems and how to do it.
00:50:33:04 - 00:50:41:03
Chris
So if you would like to come along to that free event, I'll pop in the show notes the link to register pimple.
00:50:41:05 - 00:50:50:03
Filly
Thanks for joining us, guys. Catch you on the next one. Have the best day ever.
00:50:50:05 - 00:51:00:07
Chris
Thank you so much for listening. We so appreciate you. If you'd like to give us extra smiles, drop us a review and spread the love by sharing this episode.
00:51:00:09 - 00:51:26:09
Filly
You can also write your own state of burnout and the root cause contributors by taking our Ending Body Burnout assessment on our website. And if you're interested in learning about that group or one on one ending Body burnout programs, shoot us a DM via Instagram or Facebook. Have the best day ever.
00:51:26:11 - 00:51:26:21
Filly
For.
